Back to school - how can you make this school year better for YOU?
School is starting again. You may be heaving a sigh of relief or you may be dreading the car pools, homework nagging, soccer games, swim meets and all of the busy-ness that the school year brings. The question is - what can you do to make this school year better for you?
First, we have to focus on you. I'm not talking about your kids or your spouse or partner. I'm talking about you. How happy are you right now? On a scale from 1-10, how happy are you? If you say a 8 or higher, the challenge is knowing how to keep that happiness when schedules get tighter and time seems to shrink during the school year. If you are a 7 or below, we have a little more work to do.
Together with Dr. Cathy Greenberg, my co-author for "What Happy Working Mothers Know", I've developed a model to remind women of the elements of a happy life. You'll notice that it spells HAPPY when you read it vertically. It's a little cute but, when your short term memory is as bad as mine, every little trick helps. So here it is:
Healthy
Adaptive
Proud of her work
Proud of her family
Young at heart
So let's start with healthy. In order to be the best mom you can be, and to do your job well, you need to be healthy. You probably already know that but sometimes a reminder is helpful.
You have probably read enough articles and seen enough reports on tv. to know that taking care of your health requires a healthy diet, regular exercise and enough sleep. From experience - doing all those things right, and then not doing them, and then doing them again, and then not....I can tell you that eating well, exercising and getting 8 hours of sleep a night makes you feel much better. Of course, if it were easy, you would probably be doing it. Here is my suggestion - for the next 2 weeks, pick one thing you can change and change it. You may decide to walk at least a half an hour a day, or cut sugar and caffeine out of your diet (that's not one I would pick), or you may put yourself to bed by 9:30 every night. Pick just one healthy change and try it out. If that works, build on it. Big change can come in small steps.
What I really want to talk about is GUILT. We all have it. You miss your child's piano recital because of a business trip. Or, you don't feel you're pulling your weight on a project because you were home with a sick child.
Guilt comes in two forms - guilt laid on you by others (some well meaning, some not so well meaning) and guilt that comes from inside of you.
The guilt laid on you by others serves no valuable purpose. So don't let it stick to you. If you need to, remind yourself why you've made the choices you have and why those choices are the right ones for you and your family. You live by your own values, not those of your mother in law or your co-worker or the stay at home mom on the playground.
If the guilt comes from inside of you, it's a sign that you need to check the alignment of your values with the way you are spending your time. Guilt becomes pervasive when the way you spend you time is out of alignment to your values.
You can start by listing your values in order of priority and be specific. For example, instead of saying "family" is my #1 value, I would say that raising my sons to be confident, capable, independent and happy adults is my #1 priority. Specificity is important because it helps guide you. By being specific about what I want to do for my sons, I realize that sometimes that requires I be with them and sometimes, it's better that I'm not with them. They can't learn to be independent if I'm always there. They can't learn to be happy if I don't model what a happy, working adult looks like.
After you make your values list, make a list of how you spend you time and assign percentages. How much time do you spend at work? How much time commuting? How much time grocery shopping/running errands? How much time car pooling? How much time doing homework with your kids? You get the picture.
When you compare the two, if you find you spend a lot of time on things you don't value (eg. running errands or cleaning the house) ask yourself whether you can get someone else (a spouse or someone you pay) to do it for you. If you find you hardly spend any time on things that are really important, look for where you can take time away from things that others could do for you.
Let's say you checked and your life is aligned to your values. It still tears you apart when your daughter calls you at work to ask if she will see you before she goes to bed and you have to say no. What do you do about that guilt? First, remind yourself and tell your children why you work. Focus on the positives of work. Tell them (and remind yourself) what you love about your work. Tell them about the importance and joy of making your own money. Tell them how they benefit from your work and that we all have to make sacrifices. Most of all, tell them you love them but it's important and good that you work.
Then, focus - really focus- on your children. Sometimes, we are so busy multi-tasking and getting things done, that we forget to live in the moment. One idea is to make sure that, when you do come home, you make it a big, joyous event. Call the kids over to you and give them a massive hug. Gush about how happy you are to see them. Even a jaded teenager can be swayed by flattery. Create a small routine that you do as part of your homecoming. Maybe you all sit down and take turns sharing one thing about your day.
I know that there are many nights when you will pick up your kids at practice on your way home from work at 8. Or, they'll be asleep when you get home. You don't have to do this every day - but find a way to connect with your kids to make your time with them more satisfying. It doesn't have to take long. It doesn't even need to be every day. Start with what you can do.
To make this a good school year for YOU, make one healthy change in your life and let go of your guilt. Let me know how that goes.
First, we have to focus on you. I'm not talking about your kids or your spouse or partner. I'm talking about you. How happy are you right now? On a scale from 1-10, how happy are you? If you say a 8 or higher, the challenge is knowing how to keep that happiness when schedules get tighter and time seems to shrink during the school year. If you are a 7 or below, we have a little more work to do.
Together with Dr. Cathy Greenberg, my co-author for "What Happy Working Mothers Know", I've developed a model to remind women of the elements of a happy life. You'll notice that it spells HAPPY when you read it vertically. It's a little cute but, when your short term memory is as bad as mine, every little trick helps. So here it is:
Healthy
Adaptive
Proud of her work
Proud of her family
Young at heart
So let's start with healthy. In order to be the best mom you can be, and to do your job well, you need to be healthy. You probably already know that but sometimes a reminder is helpful.
You have probably read enough articles and seen enough reports on tv. to know that taking care of your health requires a healthy diet, regular exercise and enough sleep. From experience - doing all those things right, and then not doing them, and then doing them again, and then not....I can tell you that eating well, exercising and getting 8 hours of sleep a night makes you feel much better. Of course, if it were easy, you would probably be doing it. Here is my suggestion - for the next 2 weeks, pick one thing you can change and change it. You may decide to walk at least a half an hour a day, or cut sugar and caffeine out of your diet (that's not one I would pick), or you may put yourself to bed by 9:30 every night. Pick just one healthy change and try it out. If that works, build on it. Big change can come in small steps.
What I really want to talk about is GUILT. We all have it. You miss your child's piano recital because of a business trip. Or, you don't feel you're pulling your weight on a project because you were home with a sick child.
Guilt comes in two forms - guilt laid on you by others (some well meaning, some not so well meaning) and guilt that comes from inside of you.
The guilt laid on you by others serves no valuable purpose. So don't let it stick to you. If you need to, remind yourself why you've made the choices you have and why those choices are the right ones for you and your family. You live by your own values, not those of your mother in law or your co-worker or the stay at home mom on the playground.
If the guilt comes from inside of you, it's a sign that you need to check the alignment of your values with the way you are spending your time. Guilt becomes pervasive when the way you spend you time is out of alignment to your values.
You can start by listing your values in order of priority and be specific. For example, instead of saying "family" is my #1 value, I would say that raising my sons to be confident, capable, independent and happy adults is my #1 priority. Specificity is important because it helps guide you. By being specific about what I want to do for my sons, I realize that sometimes that requires I be with them and sometimes, it's better that I'm not with them. They can't learn to be independent if I'm always there. They can't learn to be happy if I don't model what a happy, working adult looks like.
After you make your values list, make a list of how you spend you time and assign percentages. How much time do you spend at work? How much time commuting? How much time grocery shopping/running errands? How much time car pooling? How much time doing homework with your kids? You get the picture.
When you compare the two, if you find you spend a lot of time on things you don't value (eg. running errands or cleaning the house) ask yourself whether you can get someone else (a spouse or someone you pay) to do it for you. If you find you hardly spend any time on things that are really important, look for where you can take time away from things that others could do for you.
Let's say you checked and your life is aligned to your values. It still tears you apart when your daughter calls you at work to ask if she will see you before she goes to bed and you have to say no. What do you do about that guilt? First, remind yourself and tell your children why you work. Focus on the positives of work. Tell them (and remind yourself) what you love about your work. Tell them about the importance and joy of making your own money. Tell them how they benefit from your work and that we all have to make sacrifices. Most of all, tell them you love them but it's important and good that you work.
Then, focus - really focus- on your children. Sometimes, we are so busy multi-tasking and getting things done, that we forget to live in the moment. One idea is to make sure that, when you do come home, you make it a big, joyous event. Call the kids over to you and give them a massive hug. Gush about how happy you are to see them. Even a jaded teenager can be swayed by flattery. Create a small routine that you do as part of your homecoming. Maybe you all sit down and take turns sharing one thing about your day.
I know that there are many nights when you will pick up your kids at practice on your way home from work at 8. Or, they'll be asleep when you get home. You don't have to do this every day - but find a way to connect with your kids to make your time with them more satisfying. It doesn't have to take long. It doesn't even need to be every day. Start with what you can do.
To make this a good school year for YOU, make one healthy change in your life and let go of your guilt. Let me know how that goes.
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