School is starting again.  You may be heaving a sigh of relief or you may be dreading the car pools, homework nagging, soccer games, swim meets and all of the busy-ness that the school year brings.  The question is - what can you do to make this school year better for you?

First, we have to focus on you.  I'm not talking about your kids or your spouse or partner.  I'm talking about you.  How happy are you right now?  On a scale from 1-10, how happy are you?  If you say a 8 or higher, the challenge is knowing how to keep that happiness when schedules get tighter and time seems to shrink during the school year.  If you are a 7 or below, we have a little more work to do.

Together with Dr. Cathy Greenberg, my co-author for "What Happy Working Mothers Know", I've developed a model to remind women of the elements of a happy life.  You'll notice that it spells HAPPY when you read it vertically.  It's a little cute but, when your short term memory is as bad as mine, every little trick helps.  So here it is:

                                Healthy
                                Adaptive
                                Proud of her work
                                Proud of her family
                                Young at heart

So let's start with healthy.  In order to be the best mom you can be, and to do your job well, you need to be healthy. You probably already know that but sometimes a reminder is helpful.

You have probably read enough articles and seen enough reports on tv. to know that taking care of your health requires a healthy diet, regular exercise and enough sleep.   From experience - doing all those things right, and then not doing them, and then doing them again, and then not....I can tell you that eating well, exercising and getting 8 hours of sleep a night makes you feel much better.  Of course, if it were easy, you would probably be doing it.  Here is my suggestion - for the next 2 weeks, pick one thing you can change and change it.  You may decide to walk at least a half an hour a day, or cut sugar and caffeine out of your diet (that's not one I would pick), or you may put yourself to bed by 9:30 every night.  Pick just one healthy change and try it out.  If that works, build on it.  Big change can come in small steps.

What I really want to talk about is GUILT.  We all have it.  You miss your child's piano recital because of a business trip.  Or, you don't feel you're pulling your weight on a project because you were home with a sick child.

Guilt comes in two forms - guilt laid on you by others (some well meaning, some not so well meaning) and guilt that comes from inside of you.

The guilt laid on you by others serves no valuable purpose.  So don't let it stick to you.  If you need to, remind yourself why you've made the choices you have and why those choices are the right ones for you and your family.  You live by your own values, not those of your mother in law or your co-worker or the stay at home mom on the playground.

If the guilt comes from inside of you, it's a sign that you need to check the alignment of your values with the way you are spending your time.  Guilt becomes pervasive when the way you spend you time is out of alignment to your values.

You can start by listing your values in order of priority and be specific.  For example, instead of saying "family" is my #1 value, I would say that raising my sons to be confident, capable, independent and happy adults is my #1 priority.   Specificity is important because it helps guide you.  By being specific about what I want to do for my sons, I realize that sometimes that requires I be with them and sometimes, it's better that I'm not with them.  They can't learn to be independent if I'm always there.  They can't learn to be happy if I don't model what a happy, working adult looks like.  

After you make your values list, make a list of how you spend you time and assign percentages.  How much time do you spend at work?  How much time commuting?  How much time grocery shopping/running errands?  How much time car pooling?  How much time doing homework with your kids?  You get the picture.

When you compare the two, if you find you spend a lot of time on things you don't value (eg. running errands or cleaning the house) ask yourself whether you can get someone else (a spouse or someone you pay) to do it for you.  If you find you hardly spend any time on things that are really important, look for where you can take time away from things that others could do for you.

Let's say you checked and your life is aligned to your values.  It still tears you apart when your daughter calls you at work to ask if she will see you before she goes to bed and you have to say no.  What do you do about that guilt?  First, remind yourself and tell your children why you work.  Focus on the positives of work.  Tell them (and remind yourself) what you love about your work.  Tell them about the importance and joy of making your own money.  Tell them how they benefit from your work and that we all have to make sacrifices.  Most of all, tell them you love them but it's important and good that you work.

Then, focus - really focus- on your children.  Sometimes, we are so busy multi-tasking and getting things done, that we forget to live in the moment.  One idea is to make sure that, when you do come home, you make it a big, joyous event.  Call the kids over to you and give them a massive hug.  Gush about how happy you are to see them.  Even a jaded teenager can be swayed by flattery.  Create a small routine that you do as part of your homecoming.  Maybe you all sit down and take turns sharing one thing about your day. 

I know that there are many nights when you will pick up your kids at practice on your way home from work at 8.  Or, they'll be asleep when you get home.  You don't have to do this every day - but find a way to connect with your kids to make your time with them more satisfying.  It doesn't have to take long.  It doesn't even need to be every day.  Start with what you can do.

To make this a good school year for YOU, make one healthy change in your life and let go of your guilt.  Let me know how that goes.

My family and I went to Costa Rica.  The highlight of the trip for me was rappelling down waterfalls.  For the uninitiated (like I was until a few weeks ago), rappelling is the way that rock climbers go down rocks.  With a harness attached to a rope at the top, you "hop" down the side of the rock by pushing yourself off with your feet, making an arc in the air and coming back into contact with the rock a little further down.  The rope, and the people controlling it on the top and the bottom, keep you from killing yourself.  The team that managed our group of tourists were all 20 something Ticos (natives of Costa Rica).  They spoke perfect English and looked very fit.  They also did not share the extreme aversion to risk that I have - as a lawyer and a mother.  We tromped through the rain forest for about 20 minutes and then one of the guides gave us a 3 minute lesson on rappelling.  Then we were all expected to rappel down a 180 foot waterfall.  Right! 

We did this in pairs and I went down with Harrison, my 13 year old.  He was totally unconcerned - merely eager for his chance.  I was hyperventilating.  As I approached the precipice, I made the mistake of looking down.  Yikes!  It was far and there were rocks and water and no net.  This was a real rain forest - not Disneyland.   Here is what I mean...it was the real deal.



Not only did I do it, I did a total of 5 waterfalls (well, ok, everyone in the group did 5 but I was probably the most scared of anyone).  With each waterfall, my exhilaration and self esteem grew.  I was stronger, braver and more agile than I thought I was.  By the end of that morning, I felt happy, light, wet and totally at peace.  So here is my question...

Why do so many of us put ourselves and our own happiness after our children our partners and our jobs?  It's a common female trait to put yourself last but it's not the right thing to do for your family, your work, or you.

Research has shown that when people are happy, they are more productive, more creative and make better ethical decisions.  Happiness also lowers cortisol levels in the blood which, in turn, lowers the risk of heart attack, stroke and other stress related illnesses.  The Hearthmath Institute in California has shown that, by thinking thoughts of love and appreciation, we can actually alter our heart beat into a regular rhythm that is much healthy than the ragged heart beat that occurs when you are stressed or feeling fear.

My question to you is - do you think your happiness is important?  If so, what do you do to ensure that you are happy?

Summer is vacation time for many of us.  This is the time of year when we are expected to take time off and create golden memories with our families.  We entrust our business to others and spend 24x7 with our families.  Yikes!

Planning and taking a vacation can be more stressful than just working.  First, the planning.  You need to find a place and activities that appeal to everyone in the family.  Depending on your family - that can be pretty tough.  My husband and I have travelled a lot with our two sons and what I've learned is that it works best when everyone compromises a little.  We make sure that the trip includes some things the boys will like but we also make sure that we get to do the things we really want to do.  If you go to Paris and spend all your time at Euro Disney, you will feel frustrated and your kids won't learn anything.  Travel is a way to stretch your kids to try things they would not otherwise do.  Travel can be very educational and really open up the world for your children or it can just be fun.  If you decide to do a Disney trip, make sure that some of it is fun for you too.  Maybe that means you plan a day just hanging by the pool so that you can relax. 

You also need to pace your trip according to the ages of your kids.  Small children need food every few hours and they simply cannot handle a museum every day.  Teenagers like a little space so cruises can work well for them.  If anyone is interested in hearing about some of our more successful trips with our kids, just write to me.

Then there is the problem of disengaging from work.  You need to arrange for coverage for everything you do.  You need to be clear and thorough with your instructions.  Then, you need to step back and trust your team to do what you've asked them to do.  They won't do things exactly as you do but that is ok.  It has to be ok.   

As for laptops, I say leave them at home!  Taking your laptop with you to the beach is like napping on the couch.  You get a little rest but not really.  Leaving your laptop at home when you are on vacation is like taking a long nap on a delicious feather bed.  You'll awake rested and re-energized. 

Vacations are also a great time to re-connect with your family.  It may be a little tense at first as everyone decompresses and gets used to being together.  Give it a few days.  Be patient.  Stay calm.  Your mood will set the tone for the vacation so take a lot of deep breaths and focus on relaxing. 

You owe it to yourself, your family, your colleagues and your customers to take time off and really disconnect.  When you come back, you'll be re-energized and more creative than ever.

I'm going to Costa Rica for two weeks.  I'll let you know how it goes.

Good luck to you and Bon Voyage!

So, last weekend, I joined the throngs of women around the country and saw the movie "Sex and the City".  My experience may have been a little different because, instead of going with a group of women friends, I went with my husband.  In fact, he insisted on it.  He is a big "Sex and the City" fan and takes pride in the reaction that evokes when he tells other males.  The movie was fun and I recommend it.  As a married, lawyer-mom, I particularly identified with the character Miranda.  And that brings me to my question.

How do you keep a healthy sex life going when you are married, working and have kids? 

Since I am no expert in these things, I will define a "healthy sex life" as sex that is good enough and frequent enough that both you and your partner are reasonably satisfied.  Please note, it requires that both you and your partner be satisfied.  That is the tricky part.

Some couples insist on a "date night" once a week.  Others go away for romantic weekends every once in a while.  Still others meet their partner for lunch and a quickie from time to time.  I would like to know what you have found that works.  If you are not comfortable talking about sex directly, let's frame it as -

How do you keep the romance in your relationship with your partner when you are working and raising kids?

This is important because our relationships with our partners often take 3rd place, after work and children (or children and work).  Yet, that is the most important adult relationship we have and romance is an important part of keeping that relationship close and warm.

I look forward to your responses.

I love summer because it is different than the rest of the year.  For most of us, is it slower and more relaxed.  In the past, I've used summer to just relax into the slower pace of my work.  I spend more time with my kids and I travel less for work.  

This summer, I'm going to try something a little different.  I'm going to set summer goals.

Here are mine:

1.  Finish the proposal for the book "What Happy Working Mothers Know" with Cathy Greenberg and Aliza Sherman Risdahl.

2.  Start interviewing a lot of working mothers about how they have struggled and juggled their way to happiness - I'm still looking for volunteers so let me know if you are interested in being interviewed.

3.  Document my tangible contributions to my company over the past year and set out (in writing) my vision for talent strategy in the next fiscal year (starting Sept. 1) 

4.  Try something new.  We are going to Costa Rica this summer so I'm thinking that zip lining may fill this requirement for me. 

5.  Get back into yoga


If I do all these things, it will make me feel good because I will have been productive (items 1-3), young at heart (item 4) and healthy (item 5).  Wish me luck.

Let me know if you have any goals for the summer.

For those of us in Arizona, there is one more week left in the school year.  Summer always leaves me with mixed feelings.  I enjoy the more relaxed schedule.  There is no homework, no basketball practice or music lessons.  Everything slows down in my kids lives.  Of course, the rhythm of work doesn't change so life is a little more lopsided -busy at work, quiet at home.

When my kids were younger, I struggled to fill their summer days with interesting and educational activities.  Since they were never interested in going away to summer camp, we did a lot of day camps.  When they were little and we had a nanny, life was simple.  I did feel a lot of longing to be with them in the park and enjoy those lazy summer afternoons eating ice cream and just strolling around.  Notice I said longing and not guilt.  I knew that the kids were perfectly happy without me and that my absence wasn't marring their childhood.  I just would have preferred to be outside with them instead of in my office.

As they got a little older and we moved away from our nanny, filling the summer days with activities got a lot more complicated.  Every week was a different camp and then there were play dates to fill in the gaps.  When the school year re-commenced, it was actually a relief.

The highlight of every summer for me is the family vacation.  We take a two week trip every summer.  Generally, we go somewhere far away because I have lots of American Airline miles burning a hole in my virtual pocket.  I love travelling with my sons.  In my view, it is terrific education for them.  They see how other people live, they hear different languages and learn a little about the history and customs of others.  My goal is to make them citizens of the world - young men who know that people are people everywhere and all people deserve the same respect.  We'll see how that plan works.

What are your plans for the summer?  Do you find it to be a time you re-connect with your kids or are your kids away all summer?  Do you re-connect with your significant other?  Or is summer just like the rest of the year only warmer?

Post your response or write to me at barrett@barrettavigdor.com.

Happy Mothers Day!


Happy Mothers' Day to all of you! 

I have a Mothers' Day question for you and I really hope to get lots of responses. 

How has being a mother made you better at your work?

For me, there are at least 5 big ways in which being a mother has made me better at being a lawyer.

1.  My sons have helped me to understand men.  I grew up with only one sister (Happy Mothers' Day, Loren!).  She is fabulous but she is not a guy.  There is something about watching babies grow into boys grow into teenage boys that make the men I work with far easier to understand and appreciate.

2.  Being a mother has made me more focused and efficient.   When you have a desperate desire to get home every day and you want to continue to be known as a strong team member or leader, you get very focused very fast.  I have seen this in other working mothers that I know.  It's not to say that non-mothers are not focused and efficient.  The point is only that, when you have a strong counter-balance to your work that competes for your time, you concentrate hard on making the most of your time at work.

3.  Being a mother has made me more patient.  I expect every mom would say this.  I am not a patient person but, as a result of raising my sons this far, I've learned that forcing things to happen how and when I want is not always the best answer.  Letting things do what they need to do at their own pace can often give you the best result.


4.  Being a mother has made me a better leader.  Moms are leaders.  Whether you think of yourself as a leader of not, your kids look to you for leadership every day.  Through trial and error, my kids have taught me to be a better communicator, to be very clear about my expectations, to be specific about the consequences of not following my rules and to be generous in my praise.  Being a mother has shown me that, if I do not have a clear vision for the future of my kids and a clear set of rules of behavior, they will adopt the vision and the rules of someone else.  

5.  Being a mother has taught me to forgive my own flaws.  One of the things I love the most about being a mom is that, when you mess up, you always get another chance.  You can't get fired.  You can't be replaced.  Your kids will love you no matter what.  With that feeling of forgiveness, I am more willing to take chances at work.  I am more creative and more open to trying new things.    

I would love to hear how your kids have made you better at your work.  Please post a response to this blog or write to me at barrett@barrettavigdor.com

I wish you a Mothers' Day full of joy!

Have you ever felt like you want to do good in the world but just don't have time to volunteer and you don't have enough extra money to make a big contribution to a charity?  I think most of us feel that way at some time or another.  I've been feeling that way for at least 10 years.  Of course, I give money to charities but I get no satisfaction from it because I don't really know where the money goes or what impact it has.  The giving is faceless and that feels a little hollow to me.  It's not that I'm looking for a "thank you", it's just that it would be nice to know who benefits from the money and how they benefit.  

Microlending has proven to be a very powerful tool for lifting people, particularly women, out of poverty.  Muhammad Yunus, the winner of the Noble Peace Prize, wrote a book called "Banker to the Poor" that describes his experience with microlending in Bangladesh.  When women are financially independent, they can care for their families and themselves.  Domestic violence goes down, children go to school and women create jobs for other women. 

I just found an organization that I am excited about and want to share it with as many people as possible.  It is a microlending organization called Kiva.  Check out their website at www.kiva.org.   I love the fact that you get to see photos of the people asking for loans and you read about their business and what they will do with their loans.  The part I like the best is that this is not charity at all.  These are loans.  You will be repaid (without interest) for your investment.  Each profile gives you the credit history of the borrower and there is no 100% guarantee of repayment but the vast majority of loans are repaid. 

I am currently lending to two working mothers.  One is a woman in Cambodia who has a business buying and re-selling recyclable goods.  The other is a loan to two women in Peru who buy non-perishable items and re-sell them in difficult to reach locations.  One of the Peruvian women has 8 children, the other has 3.  My plan is to build a small portfolio of loans and follow the progress of the entrepreneurs.  Assuming that the loans are repaid, I will re-invest that money in making other loans. 

Let me know what you think of Kiva or whether you've had other experiences with microlending.  Write to me at barrett@barrettavigdor.com or post your comment to the blog.

We all worry about our kids.  When want them to be healthy, get good grades and find nice kids to be their friends because kids needs friends to be happy.  My sons are 13 and 16 and I've worried pretty much every day for 16 years.  Now that they are teenagers, my ability to control their behavior - particularly when they are out of the house, is severely limited.  This means that I have to trust them and their friends not to do crazy things like drugs, drinking or drag racing. 

A question came up recently that got me thinking and I'd like to hear your perspective.  With the economy moving into recession, a lot of parents are losing jobs or houses or both.  This can require them to change cities to find a place where they can support their families.

My question is this:

What impact does a geographic move have on a teenager?  Are their ways to make the move easier or more successful?

If you have your own stories or even stories of other families who have moved with their teenagers, I'd love to hear it. 

Write to me at barrett@barrettavigdor.com

Last week, I was in Tokyo on a business trip.  It was only my second visit to Japan and my first working trip there so I do not pretend to be an expert on Japanese culture.  I was working with a group of 14, 7 of whom are women.  Only one of the women was a working mom.  I was eager to understand what her life is like and how she manages.

Child care in Japan is difficult to find and very expensive.  Most women, she explained, stop working when their have children because it is so difficult to find good, affordable child care.  Her 13 year old daughter is at boarding school and her 3 year old son goes to day care every day.  Her husband goes to work early and gets out promptly at 6.  Since she is a lawyer, she can never predict what time she will get home.  So, she drops her son off every morning and her husband picks him up.  That works really well, until he gets a cold.

She explained to me the high stress she felt when her son had a fever and had to stay home for a week.  Fortunately, her supervisor was understanding and allowed her to work from home for the week.  Her clients were not as understanding but she really had no choice.

As I listened to her, I felt sympathy and gratitude.  Sympathy because, as a working mom for 16 years, I understood the stress you feel when you can't give your clients or your boss 100% of your energy AND you can't give your sick child 100% of your attention.  Gratitude because I have always had good, affordable child care.  Without good child care options, the stress created by a sick child can be very intense.

I would like to hear your stories of times when you had to stay home from work to care for a sick child or you had to leave a sick child to go to work.  Write to me at barrett@barrettavigdor.com.